it is all so terrifying but I suppress it and keep my cool, I have to lie to myself and believe that doom is not pending, teaching what I believed to be merely be multiple graphic software introduction class, now learning it is not merely a "lab" class, but 50% of it is a "LECTURE" class with a college level introduction to digital art history and theory from ME, teaching / talking / preparing and executing a college course, amidst a SEVERE workload of the constant reading of graduate level theory and constant lengthy writing in graduate level grammar, all the while creating my own artworks AND developing a graduate level excessively intellectual theory / deconstruction / excuse / for all the stupid shit I make (articulating this now put me to the verge of a panic attack) what am I doing here?
suppressing the panic in waking life burst through in a NIGHTMARE, GOD PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN, true horror, irrationally TERRIFIED like a child
ReplyDeleteCool! I like your writing style.. felt like I was there. After I watched one videos the others won't play.. just said buffering. I'll try again later. Love you! You'll do good. I totally understand the grad school insanity. I won't say it gets better.. I wouldn't want to lie. I will say this.. it's a transformative experience. I went through stages of thinking "why didn't I just become a bus driver or elementary teacher or something". I would be really envious of service people when I saw them because there lives weren't unbearably demanding at all times. The process is worth it though and you will experience some great highs and stages of normalcy. You have unsurpresssable talent. It's all about finding a way for it to get it out. -LK
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